Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Pansies Paralyzed by Snow Army

I greatly fear the day when invading forces allied against the United States land on the shores of the northeast.

If they're smart, they will replace all guns, missiles, cannons, and trebuchets with giant snow machines.

It would start with word that the Snow Army was approaching. Instead of preparing their defenses, people would all drive simultaneously to the grocery store for bottled water and canned goods. Thousands would die fighting for the last can of Spam. Thousands more would be killed in the subsequent car crashes and traffic jams.

Those traffic jams would be so bad that some people would actually still be in them when the Snow Army landed. Having squandered the chance to muster a response, people would begin calling out of work and attempt to wait it out in their homes. The call to arms would go out, but everyone would have excuses to avoid reporting for duty.

"They don't plow my street in the neighborhood I live in."
"My house is near a hill."
"By the time I get there, I'd have to turn around and come back home."
"I'm not driving out there with those morons."
"I'm a huge pansy."

You get the picture. Left with no defense, the Snow Army would roll over everything in its path. The angry inch of powdered death would leave nothing untouched. Governments would fail to respond at every level, elected officials having already chosen an excuse from the list above.

It didn't used to be this way. George Washington and his army spent a brutal winter at Valley Forge, and they didn't call in sick. They used the time to get their asses out there and retrain.

Damned if I was going to dishonor their memory.

This morning I walked out at quarter to 7 in the morning. My car was covered with an inch of pure ice. I couldn't get the door open.

Instead of picking one of the excuses above, I gave the car a few swift kicks. That knocked enough of the ice off to get the door open. I started the car, got out the scraper, and got to work.

Turned out I was better off wielding the scraper at first like a baseball bat to crack the ice. I used this tactic for awhile before using old fashioned scraping techniques. In the process I sliced open my finger.

No time to deal with the blood. The freezing rain and snow were still falling and covering the work I had done so far. I kept at it, and eventually enough space had been cleared on the windshield to see out.

Tossing the scraper back in the car, I went upstairs to my apartment to get a bandage for my finger when I noticed I had gotten blood all over my shirt.

That's when the power went out. Undaunted, I went back to the car. Unfortunately, the 2 minutes I had spent not scraping ice had resulted in the car door freezing shut again. I gave it a tug... and pulled off the handle.

Now my keys were trapped in the car, but I used a credit card to pry open the tiniest bit of plastic left on what used to be my door handle. This time I left the door open as I retrieved the scraper and got the freshest coat of ice off.

I eventually made it in to work to a half empty office and emails from friends and coworkers who were staying home.

When it snows, you can choose to be a huge pansy. That's your right as an American. That's a choice that you live with.

But just remember that you are dishonoring the proud history of this country.

And that you suck.


Anonymous said...

I made it. No plowing in my as yet undedicated (to the township) neighborhood. I felt it necessary as a True American[1] to be here, to battle the forces of ice.

Jeezuz, where is Bruce Campbell when we really need him??

Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot to mention, your injury gives you a built in excuse for being out tomorrow. Gangrenous fingers are always a green light for a day off.

Anonymous said...

I am equatorial ... i slosh ... i dont scrape.

Andrew said...

Wait, who's the bigger pussy: the guy who complains about the snow or the guy who complains about the people complaining about the snow?

In the words of the immortal Arnold:

"STOP WHINING!!!11!111one!!!!"


You're just mad because everyone else gets to stay home and play Warcraft while you're stuck at work, a choice you made for yourself. Nice job, you dedicated pussy :-p

John said...

My Hero...someone get him a medal!

LastBestAngryMan said...

Dude, one of the best reasons to be a teacher; snow days. I got up at 6 am today to check the 'delays and cancellations.' Then I went back to bed. Now I'm gonna have a leisurely breakfast, play some video games, read some enjoy your day at work. Try not to die on the way home.

Lagchat said...

Your not alone. I made it to work too. although they are sending me home early. I will probably be in tomorrow too. Unless my car is trapped inside too much ice.

Jason Clark said...

Bold words from someone who lives 5 minutes from work. Discretion is the better part of valor.

robustyoungsoul said...

Discretion? Where can I pick up some of that?

Anonymous said...

My choice was stay home with 4 kids off of school, or come in here.


Olga said...

Ouch! All that ice and stuff was mother natures little love pack to the lesser mortals to say 'I love you little monkey doo and won't you be my Valentine?!'And you mock it....shame....

the uber dude said...

Estrogen is a funny thing. It's the chemical that makes human beings more feminine...but having it NEAR you makes you infinitely more masculine.

Case in point...woke up yesterday @ my girlfriend's to find that not only was the work day canceled for both she and I, but that we literally were iced into the building (due to ancient doors and an apartment building along the waterfront) and were thus forced to spend the whole day in bed together. Oh darn.

Whereas you, in your display of work ethic and manly prowess, had a torn finger, bloody shirt, and busted car to show for your effort...(oh, and a paycheck full of 'pHaT lo0t'...)

But still, something tells me that, in one way or another, I win.

wheffner said...

"But just remember that you are dishonoring the proud history of this country"

What about the proud history of the freedom to choose? Those of us that didn’t make such a journey could, perhaps, be seen as even more American than those that did. These people made a judgment call that they were not going to work actually weighed the costs and benefits of the situation. That’s capitalism right there! You aren’t some kind of communist, are you? If one person goes in then everyone should go in? Is that about the gist of it, comrade?

Just remember next time you’re scraping the ice off of your car, and bleeding your RED blood, that you can probably get more ice off with a hammer and sickle than an ice scraper.