Monday, September 17, 2007

The Full Review of Dragon Wars

A full review from one of the gents who saw Dragon Wars. I can sadly take no credit for this.


If it were possible to award a movie Zero Star, I would have done it. This review is to serve more as a dire warning than as an assessment: avoid this stinking pile of garbage covered crap at all costs.

The characters are distant and their actions as convoluted as the confuddled plot line (or lack there of). They seem devoid of all human emotion (other than selfishness) and motivation. I don't know if it was just sub-par performances, direction, or casting (or all of the above), however the poor writing (luuk mawmy, I writez uh moovey 4 duh 3ird grayd showkase) does nothing to pull this haggard shell of a "too-long video game cutscene" out of a kamikaze tailspin into the Ocean of Despairingly Bad Movies.

The story is great!!! "Great" if, say, you enjoy being cinematically lobotomized by a highly caffeinated, rabid wolverine wielding a rusty turbo-charged chainsaw with the word "plot" on it. It seems to me that the writer frequently got himself into situations while devising the script where he would ask himself "I wonder where I should go with this" or get himself into jams and say "wow, I wonder how I can get the characters out of this mess?"

The answers apparently came from the world famous writer's reference "How to Avoid Writing in a Coherent Manner at All Costs." This valuable treatise, of course, suggests frequently inserting large computerized cobras to take the attention away from ridiculous plot holes and unbelievable scenarios.

The aforementioned ridiculous plot holes and unbelievable scenarios are so atrocious in nature, in fact, that they are actually truly truly insulting to the movie-goer's intelligence. The director makes such insane requests for suspension of disbelief that it actually makes the audience cringe at points. Several times throughout this film I heard others around me gasp or giggle at the shear nonsensical madness taking place on-screen. I also heard many of them talking about trying to get their money back after the movie. Several questioned how it got funding to be produced in the first place.

One shining ray of light in this movie, however, was oh who am I trying to kid, there wasn't anything even remotely redeeming about this asphyxiatingly fecal production. Nothing could have salvaged this train wreck Power-Rangers meets "Reign of Fire" meets Dr. Seuss disaster save the Movie Execs handing out $1,000,000 to all twelve people in the audience who made it through the entire showing.


My anticipation for the film could not possibly be any higher at this point.

1 comment:

DM Osbon said...

Hmm not heard a sniff of this bad it's good but more likely so bad it's rotten!