Friday, October 14, 2005

Why Getting Old is Awesome

A friend of mine (the LastBestAngryMan) just had a birthday, and he seemed pretty down about the whole idea of getting old.

Now, this is a concept I've never been able to really grasp. Getting older is WAY better than being a kid. In fact, I am looking forward with great excitement to the day when I'm 80 years old, sitting on a park bench, waving my cane at "those rotten teenagers" and whining about "kids today" to anyone who will pretend to listen.

Apparently, however, I am not in the majority opinion on this. I lot of people fear getting old. A lot of people fear dying.

Let's compare being young to being old, shall we?

YOUNG: A good portion of the time you're young, drinking beer is illegal. Sure you can still get it, but you often end up having to run from cops or, worse, hiding from your parents.
OLD: You can acquire beer easily and cheaply.

YOUNG: You can't play any games at a casino.
OLD: There are buses that will take you there leaving every day.

YOUNG: Girls are icky at first, then you realize you want to go out with them. This brings the realization that there are many, many things you need to do and say to attract them. This often requries doing things you don't really want to do in the first place, and many more things you don't want to do once they consent to a date.
OLD: You're too old to care what that girl thinks of you.

YOUNG: Everyone wants to correct every opinion you have because you're too young to know what you're talking about.
OLD: You can tell young people they don't know what they're talking about.

YOUNG: Flirting with a girl could result in a) getting shot down horribly, b) getting a drink thrown in your face, c) getting slapped, d) getting the snot kicked out of you by her boyfriend.
OLD: Flirting with a girl will almost always result in a smile since nobody takes such remarks seriously at your age.

This is just a sampling of the advantages. I haven't even covered things like the social acceptibility of going to the track all day to bet the ponies or complaining ceaselessly about "The way things used to be", with everyone who wasn't born then powerless to argue.

Plus, in all seriousness, it's just a lot more relaxing. (Note: This does not apply if you have kids.)

So anyway, to my friend, I say get old! Enjoy! Even if getting older does remind you of your own mortality, just remember: you were dead for millions of years before you were born, and it didn't bother you much then, did it?


Lastbestangryman said...

Allow me to rebut:

Young: Should you manage to attract a girl, you're capable of copulation five, six, seven times a day, easy.

Old: Got a prescription?

Young: Once you do have beer, you can stay up all night drinking it.

Old: Cirrhosis of the liver

Young: You are strong and healthy, and even if you slip out of shape, it's pretty easy to whip yourself back into it. Just need a little discipline and some patience.

Old: The knees go, the back goes, and there's no more pickup basketball or company softball games unless someone nearby is trained to use a portable defribrilator.

Young: You can eat a meat-normous omelette sandwich and live to tell the tale.

Old: Wheezing heart attack waiting to happen.

Seriously though, you make some excellent points. There are distinct physical advantages to being young. But the life of the mind probably gets better as you age. And it probably is better.

Till you reach a certain point and begin the awful descent into senility.

robustyoungsoul said...

That's when you buy a gun. Silly.

LastBestAngryman said...


The old guy in your office said...

How about this...

Young: You work your ass off trying to make way in life and ruin your back.

Old: Your life sucks because of non-stop pain from your life when you were young.


You only think getting old is cool *because* you're young.

You suck.